By day three it started to dawn on me that looking after a baby is both bloody exhausting and pretty damn boring after a while – no offence Martha my dear. Unfortunately, BBC4 documentaries don’t hold your child’s attention, you can’t really have an intelligent conversation, and I find that the main protagonists in children’s books have rather limited character arcs. So what else did I do with my third day in charge?

Baby led weaning

Maybe I got the wrong end of the stick here but I presume this means giving your baby whatever it (you) desires? This lunchtime, she intimated that she fancied ham and mushroom pizza (honestly, she used those exact words). This is great for you, fantastic fun for baby, but your floor will be a right old state and you may as well throw the tomato-stained babygrows straight in the bin as that shit is never coming out, no matter how much Vanish Gold paste you slap on it.

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Pizza from La Porchetta, Muswell Hill – cheap and half decent 

Leave them unattended for longer than 30 seconds

I thought I’d try this to see what happened. Instead of watching my daughter’s every move and being on the verge of a heart attack the entire time, I decided that as an experiment, I would leave her to play on her own in our bedroom. I scanned the room, found nothing that could obviously crush, maim, suffocate or burn her, and then went to make a coffee in the kitchen. After not hearing much noise coming from the bedroom apart from some contented ‘goos’ and ‘gaas’, I returned three minutes later and came back into the room to this.

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YSL make up is the tastiest 

I hadn’t figured on the make up bag obviously. That’s YSL mascara on her face by the way, as my wife repeatedly reminds me.

OAP style watch

Going the park in the warm weather makes sense with a baby but you have to create little diversions to keep you sane. One of my favourites is looking for chic OAPs roaming the streets of north London. The warmer weather means layering in normally out, so it becomes slightly trickier to dress in a snazzy way. HOWEVER, I spotted this guy outside Muswell Hill Post Office (where else?).

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My hero

Trying to be surreptitious with my snapping meant that I didn’t manage to capture the full majesty of his cardigan, which was a golfing style geometric/fairisle collision, and was a real thing of beauty. The shades were oversized with side shields, almost too perfect. Green madras slacks and tan loafers completed the look and made my day.

Finally, after failing to find any more glamorous grannies, we went to the park. Isn’t she lovely?

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Martha spots yet another dog to go and chase

Find out what happened on Thursday, when I decided that the wife and I should go away and stay in a spa hotel in the country for two days and leave our daughter with the in-laws. Well, I deserved it!