So you’ve survived ‘hell hour’. It’s the time all parents dread; when you have to force food into your kids’ faces until they eat, stop them from drowning in the bath, tidy up their detritus, and try to inject some life into a crappy narrative about a soft toy monster that you’ve read to them a hundred million trillion times before.
Once this Godforsaken hour is over, you creep out the bedroom door (stubbing your toe AGAIN on the baby bouncer you were supposed to put on eBay last year) and flop onto the sofa, your bones and muscles a day closer to complete disintegration.
Another day over and the little bastards are still alive. Congratulations. Now it’s time to relax, but how?
Some people pour themselves a very large G&T. Some others run themselves a bath. Some switch on the Playstation, while more cultured parents grab a book or put on Classic FM. None of that hifalutin stuff for me. I like to watch inane dross on TV to unwind, courtesy of channels like Spike, Channel 5 +1 and Pick. Here is my guide to the best of the worst weekday evening shows you’re likely to find. You’re welcome.
Following the police around with a film crew as they pound the beat in provincial towns like Lincoln and Wakefield may seem like a tired formula now but this programme started it all. Pointless roadside stops for possession of weed notwithstanding; the highlight has always been the little futuristic intros to each copper. Superimposed onto a weird Matrix-like background, each cop ‘swipes’ to display trivial information about themselves, like favourite snack (“Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch” and “Pot Noodle”) or favourite Bond villain (“Dr No”). It’s this bizarre attempt at personalising the police that endears me so to this show. So when PC Cawthorne patronises another teenager at the roadside for having bald tyres, I’ll forgive him because his favourite band is James, so he can’t be all that bad can he?
The poor man’s Come Dine With Me, which itself sets the bar pretty low. Some lucky guy or girl gets to eat a horrible looking meal at three different potential suitors’ houses/flats, then choses a winner to go on a slap up meal with to somewhere like the local Côte. It’s like watching students have dinner parties – all wonky IKEA furniture, horrible ethnic throws and really shitty food. Ah, those halcyon days…
Flights from Hell
I’m not sure about you but I find Air Crash Investigation way too taxing, what with its technical jargon, expert witnesses and meticulous attention to detail. If cheap as chips reconstructions and poor quality mobile phone footage is your bag, you’ll love this show. And sandwiched in-between a story about a drunk on a flight to Benidorm and a pilot passing out at the controls, there’ll be a truly terrifying story about a five-foot hole that’s been ripped through the side of a plane after a passenger has detonated a bomb – tabloid TV at its best.
Britain’s Parking Hell
Midway through watching this show you will start to question the meaning of your own existence, but don’t let that stop you because if anything succinctly sums up Brexit Britain it’s Britain’s Parking Hell. Just read the synopsis for the first episode if you need a get an idea, “Parking attendants in Weston-super-Mare brace themselves for a bumper Bank Holiday Weekend, residents in a Cornwall village describe how ‘Poldark’ fans have created parking havoc, and Sue continues her one-woman war against private parking firms.” Gripping stuff.
Dogs Make you Laugh out Loud 2
Do I need to say more?