June 2016

Dandy Dad’s dose of reality

At the end of summer last year, a few weeks before my daughter was born (and with a particularly hubristic flourish) I wrote an article in the Guardian stating categorically that I wouldn’t trade in my life as an urban peacock to suddenly become ‘dadcore’, along with its comfortable and practical accoutrements like selvedge jeans, hoodies, trainers and (heaven forbid) baby harnesses. Well, six months down the line, and a week after being forced to throw away my favourite pair of Crockett and Jones loafers after getting green (yes it was racing green) baby shit on them, I have to hold my hands up and say I was wrong. I was SO wrong. ...

Should I join the 1%?

Having a full blown row with your partner in front of your baby is reprehensible but sadly sometimes inevitable. And in the heat of a particularly virulent argument, you’ll often hear my wife and I return to this tired parenting trope: “This place is a mess; you do NOTHING around the house to help!” “Give me a chance I’m knackered, I’ve been at work all day!” “I’d LOVE to go back to work. At least I’d actually get a lunch break! Try looking after a bloody baby all day; you’ll see what tired really means!” “I’d love to!” “Yeah right, you’d last a week!” ...

“Coming down the pub?”

There are only two kinds of people in this world...those with kids, and those without. It’s very simple. Either you’re a sleepless drone who’s merely a slave to a tiny dictator…or you don’t have children.

When a man is tired of London…he moves to Chesham

My wife and I sat down last night and decided, quite rightly, that it’s ‘insania’ for us to be paying £1,500 each month towards our landlady’s mortgage. And for what? For the pleasure of living in a small 1st floor, 2 bed flat with a sliver of a kitchen and disagreeable neighbours? So that we can say we live in Muswell Hill and enjoy the raised eyebrows of other Londoners who live in less salubrious areas and are quietly impressed with our postcode? All this and not even a f*cking tube station? Where do I sign up I hear you ask?! Moving to London all those years ago was a lifestyle choice. Quite rightly, one should take full advantage of everything that this ugly beautiful city can offer; the social life, the culture, the career ladder, the like-minded people, the energy, the history blah blah. Basically, who doesn’t want to drink overpriced craft beer in a pop-up bar located in one of the bleakest parts of south east London? ...